This information is from www.adultchildren.org. For more information, please visit their website.
25 ACA Questions
- Do you recall anyone drinking or taking drugs or being involved in some other behavior that you now believe could be dysfunctional?
- Did you avoid bringing friends to your home because of drinking or some other dysfunctional behavior in the home?
- Did one of your parents make excuses for the other parent’s drinking or other behaviors?
- Did your parents focus on each other so much that they seemed to ignore you?
- Did your parents or relatives argue constantly?
- Were you drawn into arguments or disagreements and asked to choose sides with one relative against another?
- Did you try to protect your brothers or sisters against drinking or other behavior in the family?
- As an adult, do you feel immature? Do you feel like you are a child inside?
- As an adult, do you believe you are treated like a child when you interact with your parents? Are you continuing to live out a childhood role with the parents?
- Do you believe that it is your responsibility to take care of your parent’s feelings or worries? Do other relatives look to you to solve their problems?
- Do you fear authority figures and angry people?
- Do you constantly seek approval or praise but have difficulty accepting a compliment when one comes your way?
- Do you see most forms of criticism as a personal attack?
- Do you over-commit yourself and then feel angry when others do not appreciate what you do?
- Do you think you are responsible for the way another person feels or behaves?
- Do you have difficulty identifying feelings?
- Do you focus outside yourself for love or security?
- Do you involve yourself in the problems of others? Do you feel more alive when there is a crisis?
- Do you equate sex with intimacy?
- Do you confuse love with pity?
- Have you found yourself in a relationship with a compulsive or dangerous person and wonder how you got there?
- Do you judge yourself without mercy and guess at what is normal?
- Do you behave one way in public and another way at home?
- Do you think your parents had a problem with drinking or taking drugs?
- Do you think you were affected by the drinking or other dysfunctional behavior of your parents or family?
If you answered “yes” to 3 or more of these questions, you may be suffering from the effects of growing up in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional family. We welcome you to attend an ACA meeting in your area to learn more.
The Laundry List
- We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
- We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
- We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
- We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
- We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
- We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
- We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
- We became addicted to excitement.
- We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue”.
- We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurt so much (denial).
- We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
- We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
- Alcoholism is a family disease; we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
- Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
The ACA Promises
- We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves.
- Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis.
- Fear of authority figures and the need to “people-please” will leave us.
- Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us.
- As we face our abandment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses.
- We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure.
- We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives.
- We will choose how to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves.
- Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set.
- Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices.
- With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors.
- Gradually, with our Higher Power’s help, we will learn to expect the best and get it!